"... When are you do? ..."

... and other misspellings and catachreses gleaned from the various fertility, pregnancy, baby, and dieting bulletin boards that I have visited. Some of these are just funny typing or spelling errors, others are simply bad, bad grammar . Many of them are the result of women who never read books. They have heard words and phrases but have never read them (an excellent example is 'voila').*

These are actual posts (cut and pasted exactly as found) by real women many of whom are raising children. Enjoy!

First from the mommy/baby/infertility boards:

"... and - walla! - it was over ..." also "… add an egg, Wha-la! …”

"... I think your right to bring a book to the hospital ..."

"... I had no nauses or adversions to food ..."

"... except for an adversion to red meat ..."

"... birth is an intament time ..."

"... that really struck a cord ..." (I imagine her chopping wood)

"... not like I was use to ..."

"... get a string and measure you're waste ..."

"... then I got devorsed ..."

"... I get saticita..." (she apparently means sciatica and has never heard it pronounced)

"... for my piece of mind ..."

"... I felt like I had to pea ..."

"... suppose to have less then before ..."

"... mothers have great instints ..."

"... she adviced me too call ..."

"... whoa is me... "

"... it's a faze there going thru ..."

"... he was kinda veg about it ..." (I'm assuming she means vague)

"... it last's forever ..."

"... I appreciate your advise ..."

"... a urinary track infection ..."

"... all these caddy women ..."

"... I'm an emotional reck ..."

"... no progress in site ..."

"... my doc dont want me to go overdo ..."

"... they loose there muscus plug ..." (your mucus plug is lost right before labour)

"... I don't know about post pardum ..."

"... sorry to be so graffic ..."

"... this shows how much patients i have ..." (she's an illiterate doctor?)

"... there was a scar left at the sight ..."

"... congradulations! ..."

"... doesn't seem to phase them ..."

"... bare with me ..."

"... he's so 'flemmy' ..."

“…I have to make due …”

“…Regardless to say …”

“…Grant it, this is our first …”

“…Any babys like mine? …”

“…fed her cerial …”

“…He don’t crawl …”

“…in less it effects them …”

“…don’t take it for granite …”

“…I past my test …”

“…it is nerve wrecking …”

“…I’m appolled …”

“…what sex did you perdict? …”

“…perparing siblings …”

“…I’m taking a pole …” (!!) also “…hears another name pole …”

“…I use it to reassure me …”

“…wright down the names …”

“…it’s the route of all problems …” (root?)

“…at the church bizarre …”

“…well call me a scruge …” (Scrooge)

“…he says I’m an engrate …”

“…formally known as …” (she means formerly)

“…I’m about to loose my mind …”

“…there not suppose to have eggs …”

“…my baby has drank juice since …”

“…has a whole in his heart …”

“…Coodos to you! …” (Kudos)

“…in the passed 10 months …”

“…its kaos around here …” (chaos)

“…looked at the chormazones …”

“…my MIL gets fowl with her mouth …” (her Mother-In-Law is a birddog?)

“…umbilical chord …”

“…and every thing else bazaar that you here …”

“…your not alone …”

“…my unconscious playing tricks …”

“…is there any other mother’s like me? whos DH don’t change dippers …”

“…my anxiety is threw the roof …” also “…I’m going threw the same thing …”

“…I’ve finally come to piece with the fact …”

“…just for the symbolicness of it …”

“…it’s just an old wise tale about …” (old wives' tale)

“…that’s just to bazare …”

“…where does everyone live at? …”

“…it was the most funniest thing …”

“…some people are uneducated and krass …” (do you see any of these people in the mirror?)

“…it’s a pulled nerve or something …” (ouch!)

“…through the noodles in a pot …” (throw)

“…we would go fist to cuffs on it …” (Eh?)

“…how to make lasania? …”

“…warning, this is grafic …”

“…it wrecks havok on my immunes system …”

“…must have impinged a nerve or something …”

“…my sudo boyfriend and me …”

“…I needed a brake …”

“…Jason has namonia …”

“…at my whit’s end …”

“…my grandma, of whom I was very close to …”

“…the worse kind of staff infection …”

“…she went her marry way …”

“…its a waist of money …”

“…what do you’re babies where to bed? …”

“…this is my second time been a mom …”

“…she said I was going to miscarriage anyway …”

“…she has the asma …”

“…(he) Loves to do summer saults …”

“…she starts scweeling … and shirking out loud …”

“…do to the fact it was so lite …”

“…(she was a recovering alcoholic) but she fell off the bandwagon …”

“…I just feel jipped …”

“…(he was dressed up as) the abonibal snowman …” (this is my fave of the whole list!)

“…we may be the biggest wooses …” (wusses?)

“…it is aggervating …”

“…don't know if it was a quincidence …”

“…I don't know what to cateragize myself as …” (a moron, perhaps?)

“…my last ounce of patients …”

“…she makes her presents known …”

“…if I just had some piece and quiet …”

“…My family was my biggest critics ..”

“…I made a pack that we would wait …”

“…lucky in recieving my hammy downs …” (hand-me-downs)

“…a little juice may peak her interest …”

“…boys who absolutely reek havoc …”

“…did nothing to curve the pain …”

“…I have always wore contacs …”

“…I have always been a little bit paranoidal …” (I would be too)

“…I am self independent and so is (my husband) …”

“…How frusterating …”

“…(the baby is named) after my father whom has past away …”

“…(we) are sticking to our bedtime ruteen strickly! …”

“…samwhiches (chicken,turkey, bolgna, salmi )
cheese, mayo , butter( on the samwhich) …” (lunch options for this woman’s children)

“…(being a man,) he doesn't pick up on our suttle queues …”

“…I hope I don't jinks myself …”

“…how Much do you’re babies way? …”

“…it was from the harmos in The Pill …” (hormones)

“…they got all siked …” (psyched)

“…I poured through the messages …”

“…They had the gaul to ask her …”

“…too much stress over prompt and circumstance ….”

“…I can still smell that fowl odor! …” (refering to vomit, so the person had eaten chicken?)

“…I get nauseas ever time I think about it …”

“…nothing like child abusing your kid in public, LOL. …” (WTF?)

“…Its given me strength … to except Gods plan for me …”

“…I too turned into a (pregnancy testing) feen!!! …” (fiend)

“…just a few weeks till we have our baby’s. …”

“…I am sitting here reading all this and getting nauceous …” (I’m sure she means “nauceated”)

“…for the passed 2 days have had cramps …”

“…I wish it was cut and dry...meaning...easy! …” (note: this person is a teacher)

“…I speratically check my temps …”

“…many of us here have similar stories exactly like yours …” (my second favourite entry!)

“…neither of us had baby’s prior before that …”

“…I've been seeing these oober faint lines (on a home pregnancy test) …”

“…me and (daughter) ran errons all day yesterday …”

“…after we have a kid we are ferdal merdles haha …” (she means ‘Fertile Myrtles’)

“…People closes to you … have the least coman sence or cutesy to stay away when sick …” (I would stay away even well)

“…they have reeked havick on the house …”

“…have come up with nodda …” (nada)

“…I try my hardest to keep everything "honkey dorie" …”

“…About the lack of socialism …” (when homeschooling. She means socialization. Yep, she is homeschooling her kids)

“…he was called Dennis the Minis …”

“…a few odds and ins for the baby …”

"...horomones are still runnin rampid ..." (and affecting your spelling!)

"...I'm moving and have ran out of boxs ..." (she signed herself 'in the mist of packing' ... idiots in the mist?)

"...if i tell dh that (I'm ovulating) now he will feel pressurized ..."

"...I was in the full throws of labor ..."

"...I guess hine sight is 50/50 ..." (???)

"...I am trying to nip it in the butt right now ..."

"...I have been like this for the passed 10 days ..."

“…I find my self in a lost for words …” (me too!)

"...I was completely exhausted even more so than usual ..."

"...Well, lone be hold! ..." (lo and behold)

"...The OB recommends an aversion at 37 weeks if the baby doesnt turn on his/her own by then ..."

"...i was wondering what everyone thought about the castro oil? if anyone used it and if it works? ..."

"...And the father of my baby has decided three months ago that he dont want nothing to do with me or the baby. Which even when we were in touch he wasnt much help anyways ..."

"...Is that my water [...] or ambionic fluid? (and in a reply to this) your [...] continous leakage of fluids pricks my interest ..."

"...my doctor say''s It will be o'k [...] just let's put all this in the lords hand's ..."

"...of course this perked my curiosity ..."

"...but his mother is a skitzo ..."

"...so hot that summer she would have roasted something fears ..."

"...I bought a cupple of those swaddle blankets that are made just for swaddling and the valco closed so that baby stays nice and snug in the swaddle position. I am not worried about the blanket since everything is fassend up ..."

"...Seems too good to be true, but i really want to order some. Just a little weary ..."

"...YOU CAN CALL THE BETTER BUISSNES BARUE ON THEM ..."

"...I believe she's being geniune and was 'duked' like the rest of you ..."

"...I buy ALOT of playclothes [...] I do take into accountability where these sales are ..."

"...and make such a tado about it ..."

“…I want to loose a little more wait …”

"...you can still not exercise all your personal demons ..."

"...stress led me to eat poorly and wahlah here I am ..."

"...If I want a soda or anything I just buy a case of Diet Rite and that ties me over...."

"...Now it doesn't even phase me ..." (transporter malfunction?)

"...Water never made me lose or did anything but make me feel sloshy inside and somewhat nauseas ..."

"...It kind of makes since ..."

"...(same girl, same post) your doing great! [...] but theres the thing [...] were still new to the game [...] now if your still losing [...] one day we won't be able too ..."

"...not want to step on the scale because your scared ..."

"...Add a salad for ruffage (same girl, same post) walla=you have just forced your body to burn 180 extra calories [...] we are not used to eating to loose weight ..."

"...so far... NO results in losing fat. samo samo!! (It took me several minutes to realise that she meant "Same ol', Same 'ol")

"...my nose ran like a fosset ..."

.

“…Does that make any since? …”

And finally an amusing sentiment (on Mothers in Law): "I love her, but I also love the 800 miles between us..."